Granola: THE MISSING LINK!

WHY CAN'T I EAT THIS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?
All of my binges are absolutely disgusting. I'm with the boyfriend, and after sex, I completely lost track of my head, and my pants (walking around in my underwear) and eating FUCKING NON STOP. He thinks it's weird.
But can you really blame the guy?

This package of granola is nearly gone, meaning I've shoveled down 1300cal. JUST from granola.
Not including marshmallows, stew, crackers, juice, honey, smoked salmon, oil....
Hm, this might be the link to my obesity.

I need Ipecac.

Wondering why I can never complete the ABC Diet.
Should I restart entirely? I'm only three days in (fat ass had to join the party), and could just redo my 300 day tomorrow.
Or fast. Fasting's good.
.
On the plus side though (literally),
I weighed myself today: almost 134.

Back where I started.

~alexana 133.8
never again

Fact (and thinspo):

I've never successfully finished the ABC Diet.
Ever.
This time around, I make it my goal to finish it. It's not even about losing weight right now, just finishing it. (Okay, so the reward of completing the ABC Diet is obviously losing weight, but I figure more weight is lost when I actually finish it.)
Started yesterday for the first 500cal day, and finished with almost exactly that.
Shows how much I've been over eating, 1000cal+ days....

*shudder*

No more.
Another 500 today, and a birthday dinner to attend. Thank god I can only have salads.
I figure if I don't eat today (except for cough drops maybe) then I can binge on whatever bunny-food I decide on at the restaurant.

Or maybe pick up a snack so that way I'm seen stuffing my face.

And then I want to see a gap between my thighs.
And to wear that purple dress I just bought.
And to not look like a sausage trying to escape it's casing when I wear it.

My friend and a group of students are trying to start up an 'eating disorders awareness club' or some shit like that. I've been talking it with them and discussing the generalities of an eating disorder and why people don't often notice.
And little do they know. Ha.
Personally, I'm afraid that if I keep talking about it, I'm going to get caught.
But, it's nice to viciously discuss with someone about diet, weight, exercise, and eating habits.

Just wanting a buddy, in person. Someone to slap my hands down and tell me not to eat.

Fact:
I think my "M" key is broken or just being an asshole. Not cooperating today.

--

Damn.
Ate 2 cups of popcorn.
Ate fries from chick-fil-a because my friend and her group were watching me.

"Just coffee?"
"Yup. Americano. Black."
"What are you doing for lunch?"
"Americano. Black."
"Here, eat my fries. I saved them for you."
"Oh no, I'm good."
"Really."
*Tosses box in front of me*
"Thanks."

What do I do about tonight? I'm contemplating saving my starbucks cup to spit food into.
If I get a salad with just lettuce....I can stay at my goal.

When I leave for home tomorrow, I can eat nothing. Or close to that.

Getting tired of being around at least two people in an ED prevention club 24/7.
Where did my isolation go? My caffeine addiction disappeared along with it.
/sigh/


~alexana (Weight : still unknown, can't find scale. Therefore: ∞)

Thick eyebrows and thin bodies.
Not the other way around.

--

Thinspo, as promised:

Why Am I Not Cold?

Because I'm fat.
Dammit.

Visiting my best friend in Flagstaff during my spring break. It's been snowing and I'm not as cold as I could be. I'm not skipping meals like I should be.

Wanting a lower number on the scale, and more layers of clothing necessary to stay warm.

Yesterday we went to Oregano's and I ordered a salad. Dowsed in oil and olives and raisins it must have been at least as large as my midsection (huge) and 500 calories minimum. Then we went to self-serve frozen yogurt for dinner. and poured peanut butter on top. At least 700cal.

Why can't I keep away from this food?

I don't even know my weight.
Last I checked, I bound back up to 143.2.

Awful. Awful. Awful.
I need the rest of my body to follow the lead of my joints; Thin, bony, almost broken, perpetually cold.
It's a false sense of accomplishments when I look down at my hands, feet, ankles.

And then the thighs...the boobs...the cheeks. Bloated.
---
BINGE BINGE BINGE BINGE
Gummy bears (130cal for 15), ate a ga-jillion (75, 650cal)
Bamba peanut butters puffs (150 cal for one bag) ate two bags (2, 300cal)
and so many cough drops(1 drop, 12 cal), I can only guess at how many I've devoured (20, 240cal).

650+300+240=1190
basically 1200cal.
WHO EATS THAT FUCKING MUCH?!

I planned on doing good today, until those bears. And their temptation. And my lack of self control.
Tomorrow I'm really going to have to focus; ABC Diet is starting up again, I might put it as the background on my phone.

Who wants to join in? Email me, and let's get skinny.

~alexana, (∞)lbs
Let's feel our ribs from behind our backs, and our spines leading to a valley of between our shoulders.

136.7

Not back for good.
It's starting again.

I hope it stays.

The books online I've been reading throw me into it.
Ana, you were missed.
~
http://content.yudu.com/Library/A1p0mh/Wintergirls/resources/index.htm?referrerUrl=http%3A%2F%2Ffree.yudu.com%2Fitem%2Fdetails%2F213364%2FWintergirls

Wintergirls.

http://www.epubbud.com/read.php?g=BW9JGHCG&p=1

Wasted.

http://this-is-a-fashion-blog.tumblr.com/

Fashion Blog.
~
Over the summer I reaccumulated my heavyset weight of 140...145...148...
two anabuddies who won't talk with me
ugly clothing
an ex-boyfriend
a new boyfriend
scratching/cutting
two 5k registrations
alcoholism
and a wedding invitation.

I feel broken and wonderfully cold.
Always freezing, and distant.


110lb. Dat goal.

137lb. Dat whale.

~alexana 136.7


Never have I wanted to grow fine hair in the small of my back
Crave for my nails to blue
Hair to become brittle

As much as I have wanted thin.

Damn You Fear.

I recently watched an episode of "Supersize vs. Super Skinny" (watch it on youtube, very cool show) and they had someone with a protein deficiency. Their feet are swollen beyond belief, their fingernails look like ruffled potato chips- the same color too, and hair is falling out. The reason I am what I am is so I can be admired, envied, and beautiful. I refuse to let that happen, and since I'm already at a bit of a draw back (pescetarian diet), I've been eating a bit more protein. Peanut butter on toast: this is fatty, but only half a slice fills you up. And an egg: I like eating only the white because it's so low in calories and has tons of protein.

That was this morning, and because my mum was watching me I ate all the toast, but kept "dropping" it on my plate, peanut butter side down. When I picked it up I was smear off some PB, just so I didn't have to eat as much. Then I ate around my yolk, then smashed it so the contents spilled into my plate, not my stomach.
This breakfast put me back at 219cal.
I feel so fat.

Hopefully the fact that I work tonight will help. I can eat 100 cal before, and 51 of something else, that way my total will be:
219
100
051
=370cal

I'll bring some black coffee as well, so that will add into my 51 miscellaneous calories and give me energy/high metabolism.

Comment on any foods, drinks and other things you do to speed up your metabolism and exercise incognito. (I work in retail, so I'm always on my feet walking and lifting piles of clothing while only drinking black coffee on the job.)


Superior, clean, morally unimpeachable- that's what we strive to be.
~alexana 130.8

I'll Help Myself, Thanks.

I think I'm starting to fall back into place *knock on wood*.
My weight was 129 this morning, and that's not a number I've seen in a while. Today I had toast and peanut butter, and oatmeal and blueberries. Sounds like alot, right? Well it's not if you only eat half of everything. I feel that puts me in control of my eating and I really like having the ability to say "NO" for once. All my life I've been coached and trained to eat every piece of food off my plate, and hopefully I'll be able to wane from that, especially once I get my own place.

Exciting news by the way, I've just applied to another college (my personal favorite out of the 3 state colleges) and I'm hoping to transfer. Afterwards, I'll move into the city and get my own place where I'll stock nothing but lettuce, hummus, tea, and frozen fruit in my kitchen...maybe some fish on a good night (100 cal. talapia only).

And if any of you get the chance: watch "skins". For the sake of your eyes and everyone else's, don't watch the US version, it's so poorly done. skins has some great thinspo in it, and some real beautiful inspiration. A character, "Cassie" is real spacey and really beautiful in a unique way and guess what e.d. she has? (:
Go find out!

Alright my dears, time to get back on track, and be rail thin.
That's all anyone wants this season, and I'm getting it. Especially for summer.


If I eat anything, I'll eat everything, so I eat nothing.
~alexana 129.4

and some thinspo. ;D

(^^ this is actually "Effy" from the series "skins")

New Year, New Weight (lost?)

Nope, try GAIN~
I fold, and sag and wrinkle at a horrific 136. Last night I even hit 138...
I remember when that was my low, and now it's my high. I don't want to go back to that fat-assery. I can almost get in my size 4 pant. 129....119....109.....
Hopefully the countdown will parallel to my weight loss. A quick countdown, and a fresh new start.

And since I imagine most of us here are girls, most of you might know that if we're thin enough, we don't get mother nature's monthly gift! I would count that as a plus to the whole beautiful thing. ;D


Bones are who we are, let them show.
~alexana 136.0


p.s. good luck in the New Year all!